Manchester’s Ale Shaped Gems

A tour of some of the best old boozers MancLand has

If you’re like me dear reader, and I assume that biologically most of you are, then occasionally you seek a little relaxation time. Perhaps, after the hard working week has drawn to a close, you may want to sit back in humble surroundings, converse with friends and countrymen and taste the sweet nectar that makes so many younglings flit across the streets on a Friday evening like migrating gazelles.

Yes, a few hours spent in an ale house is something of an English pastime, and no one in the world does it better than we do. And so even though advertising campaigns and media outlets would do their very best to have us terrified of drinking more than a thimble full of brandy a month, the pub will always be a place that men, women and children with fake I.D’s will flock to for a good ole chat and a double Chinzano.

Alcohol aside, these houses of conversation and relaxation serve many purposes. For starters, they keep ruffians off the streets and students out of churches, they provide any man or woman with a platform to express his or her views in their loudest singing voice, but above all they keep the Bacon and Scampi Fries industries in business. I have found, in my experience, that all manner of life’s ills can be redeemed within the confines of the pub. In fact just a few hours in the company of strangers and surrounded by the finest Mancunian ambience, you will regard all your problems with nothing more than a slurred grin and a fumbled world.

Problems such as debt, relationship woes and job troubles will slide slowly away, and before you know it the only thing you’ll be concerned with is where the next Crème Du Menthe is coming from.

However, these sacred sanctuaries are not without their own pitfalls; the price of ale is slowly but surely rising to astronomical levels, and soon you will be forced to re-mortgage your children just to buy a bottle of decent Cabernet Sauvignon. The ever changing spatial designs of some ‘modern’ pubs leaves you thinking that you’ve wandered into a post modern installation rather than a watering hole, and the demeanour of some bar staff leaves a lot to be desired.

Friends have also often complained to me that the breed of pubgoer has changed over the last few years, and to quote one companion there seems to be a lot more “knob heads” around than there used to be. I tend to agree, personally I think the Smirnoff Ice corporation is to blame, but I also think if you spend enough time the company of said “knob head” you will find, providing you both stick religiously to the round system, you are the closest of pals by last orders. Hell, you may even end up marrying his sister.

In Manchester we are blessed because just a quick glimpse at any map of this fairly marvellous city will reveal that there are literally dozens of fine establishments dotted all over the place, in fact if the city of Manchester were a treasure map, there would be gold dotted in every conceivable corner. I myself have not had the pleasure of warming my buttocks in all of them, although I did once know a chap who tried to get round as many of them as humanely possible in one day. And when he gets out of intensive care, I’ll be sure to ask him how the attempt went.

But since there are so many of them about, how are you supposed to know which one is right for you? And how are you supposed to know which one will provide both value for money and a desirable atmosphere? A difficult task it be, but fret not! For I have decided to give you a short guide to just a few of the better spots, a travel map to some of the superior, smaller, secret gems that are studded into this cities crown. By all means attempt to see them dear reader, drop in for a pipe and a pint, or a beer and a burger depending on your taste, I’d just advise you not to see them all in the same day, your bank balance and your liver would not be most pleased the morning after.

The Athenaeum

Ahh, one of my personal favourites. A pub of marble, disco balls and winding staircases that lead to nowhere. Well, actually the staircase in question does go somewhere, but patrons are not allowed. The location and feel of this pub are ideal for a thirsty shopper who has grown tired of the weekend crowds and wants to retire for an hour or so and collect his thoughts.

I think, although don’t quote me on this, that it was once a bank, as the large structure and marble columns give the place an official feel, but never impose themselves on your drinking pleasure. The food’s good, and the wine is reasonably priced, but I would personally recommend the shelves under the spirits, where a collection of oddly named stout brews and random cider concoctions wait for the more exotic of drinkers.

The Deansgate

I actually discovered the Deansgate by accident originally, I was doing some menial work at the Hilton hotel, and after leaving my shift a tad too early I found to my delight that there stood in the Hilton’s shadow a beautiful little place on the nearby corner. This is a pub of wood and dark corners, a place for either the beginning of an afternoon session, or the ‘one for the road’ you and your significant other have before heading home.

Here I would recommend the pump ales, a simple Carling to begin with, then perhaps moving upwards and onwards to thicker ales or maybe a brandy or two. The rooms run far into the back, and you can hide yourself away in the further corners, for instance if you have an interest in being a reclusive drunken poet, then this is the place for you. (Note: you must provide your own beard)

The Grapes

Ohh the sweet Grapes, without this little beauty I would have never been able to tolerate my time working at the Barclays branch across the road. Another wooden wonder, the Grapes has the added bonus of having an outside veranda section, but during the winter months (which pretty much covers most of the year in the north west) it’s advisable to stay indoors, however on a Friday sometimes it is nice to sit out under the cover of the canvas and watch the nearby world go by.

In honour of its name I’d recommend the vino, but in price terms I’d grab a bottle rather than a glass and save yourself some pennies. So have a sip of the red and sit back to admire the Jack and Vera Duckworth collage on the walls, Mrs. Duckworth (Elizabeth Dawn) part owns the place so her face is a proud feature of most every surface. There’s even a picture on the wall of Vera meeting the Pope, the Pope! I ask you!

The Angel Inn

A later addition to my drinking menu, the Angel is a darn good spot if you’re in the mood for an early evening sip or a catch up with compadres before you head off into some godforsaken nightspot. Cheap and welcoming, it may be a little on the small side, but has the added bonus of being right on the doorstep of the Northern Quarter, and is a shot glass stones throw away from all the hyper trendy hyper expensive dens within. For this inn I’d recommend the spirits, start with a Vodka or a Southern Comfort perhaps, and then upgrade to a nice Courvoisier or a Bells if you’re a whiskey fan. There’s always music on and I believe the karaoke nights are rather merry, so by all means a place to hit when you and your gang are in a sing song mood.

The Briton’s Protection

One of the more famous gems on our list, this place is as British as it comes, both in name and feel. Has the gorgeous look of a pub that hasn’t been changed in a long time, it’s a little hard to get your head around the map of the place at first, but order at the bar and then head around to see the series of side catacomb rooms that are comfy and cosy, and guaranteed to never be empty. You’ll have to duck your head at the bar, and they’ll usually be a queue, but without doubt a must see if you’re heading past the G-Mex area.

Again, this is a pub for spirits, and just a quick glance at the number of obscure hard liqueurs on the wall will probably make you feel tipsy, but I’d recommend starting on one of the pump ales, especially a thick dark stout, and then progressing as you see fit. One of the few places that stocks Wray & Nephew, a disastrously strong white rum that as well as taking the skin off the back of your throat, will also strip wallpapered walls. Mr. Guy Garvey of Elbow fame has been known to sup there, and I believe one of the bar tenders used to be on Coronation Street, but overall a place to sit with a book and while a hour or two away.

The Salisbury

I have a confession dear reader, I once tried to chat someone up in the Salisbury. Why I have no idea, the wine may have had something to do with it, but it was an experience that not only taught me never to speak to a woman ever again, but also to know which pubs are chatting women up pubs, and which pubs are sitting back and rocking to Led Zeppelin pubs. The Salisbury is the latter. A rock pub, full of pool tables and cheap lager, where the music fans of all ages flock to share tales and swap battle scars. This is a tavern where friends gather, in preparation for a gig perhaps, and enjoy the sweet stylings of rock ‘n’ roll. As I say, cheap lager is the starting point here, if only to blend in with the local colour, but the various bottles and shots are definitely worth a sip. In fact, I’d say this was the perfect pub for the salt, lime, Tequila business.

Lots of space, fruits machines, and some of the most amusing graffiti I’ve ever come across on toilet walls. Head here if you’re on your way to the Academy, or checking out an unsigned band in a cellar later in the night.

So there you are. Six of the finest establishments within the Mancunian city limits. Now off you trot, go have a nosey. All of them are great pubs, and I’m more than proud to say they’re all in Manc Land. Some are good for a solitary beer when you’re in the mood for a think or a book, some are great to share with mates on a free afternoon, and some are the perfect choice to start before a night on the tiles. So if you’re a resident, or just passing through the city for the day, why not drop by and soak up a bit of culture? You never know, if you swing by some afternoon I may just buy you a drink or two.

Next week: The Hitchhikers Guide To Stealing A Bar Stool Without Being Caught